I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
