I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
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Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize