you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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