Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
from now on my penis is your penis
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
