Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
