I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
