i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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