I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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