i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
