I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
