does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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