Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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