the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
