If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
