i used baking grease as lip gloss
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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