you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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