I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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