They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
