Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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