just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
