I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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