Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
