I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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