So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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