I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
A bitchslap is in order.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
