Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
