This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
that may or may not have been my penis.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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