Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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