My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
