I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
