Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
