It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
