i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
