and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
