I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
