i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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