I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Couch. On fire.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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