A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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