mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
