I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
