Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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