i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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