I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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