i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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