You smell like a Billy Joel song
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
