The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
