You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
