he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
