I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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