Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
