Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
