I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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