I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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