im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
