Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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