Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
