stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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