I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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